


A Desired Intimacy

by CodenamePegasus



Category: Sex Education (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Childbirth, Dialogue Heavy, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Family Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Morning Sickness, Pregnant Sex, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:26:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28073916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CodenamePegasus/pseuds/CodenamePegasus
Summary: I'm shit at this...An intimate look at Jean and Jakob's relationship, pregnancy, etc. Starts from the end of S2 through the end of S3. Story will mainly focus on Jean/Jakob's relationship and pregnancy. Other characters will be there in the background mostly. Co-writer: Julia Maxwell. Manips by Lenathomally on Twitter (Thank you thank you Lena! They are amazing!!!).
Relationships: Jean Milburn & Jakob Nyman, Jean Milburn/Jakob Nyman
Comments: 27
Kudos: 109





	1. The Sprouting of Seeds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Co-written with Julia Maxwell. Manips by Lenathomally on Twitter (Thank you thank you Lena! They are amazing!!!).

CHAPTER ONE – The Sprouting of Seeds

Stunned. That would be the word to describe Jean Milburn as she sits in her car contemplating her life. She’s outside her son’s school, having watched his best friend in the school play. In the span of a few minutes, she was berated by Mr. Groff, who interrupted the play to accuse Jean of corrupting the teens in the school. While defending herself, her son, Otis, stood up for her, claiming he was the culprit, and went a step further to state that Jean was an excellent therapist and an amazing parent. Mr. Groff was quickly asked to leave, and Jean was overjoyed that her son was turning into a man that she could be proud of. 

But then, there was Jakob, her ex-boyfriend who was in attendance at the play. Who, in the span of a few days, told her she wasn’t ready for the kind of intimacy he required and then openly eye-fucked her at the play, and after the play. 

Oh yes. AND then there is the baby. Jakob’s baby. The one inside her that she thought wasn’t possible anymore for her. The one she thinks she couldn’t have as she’s much too old to be running after a toddler and she’s much too busy with her work and her son and her general LIFE. But, she also thinks she must have this baby; it’s her and Jakob and what they created together. He’s lost so much already and she can’t be the reason he loses even more. 

And, on a deeper level, she wonders if this is exactly what she needs in her life. Someone she can create an intimate relationship with. Someone she can trust, and who will trust her. She made so many mistakes with Otis. Even after her divorce from Remi, she kept making mistakes, and Otis suffered through his dad’s abandonment and her trust issues. But, she is smarter now. She knows more. She is more understanding and has more patience. Maybe through having another child, she can find that young woman she was once, who trusted and believed in the good of people, who wasn’t afraid to get hurt, who could allow herself to be raw and vulnerable. Maybe she could revisit that young girl who had her whole life ahead of her, and get to know her again, because that girl was fierce in a way Jean hasn’t been in 16 years.

She may have intimacy problems. She may toss men aside here and there without creating intimate relationships. She may not have any really close friendships to speak of. She may be letting her divorce and the negative feelings associated toward it affect her current relationships. BUT, she isn’t a cruel person. She knows this is something that she can give Jakob, if he wants it, even if she can’t give him the intimacy he craves right now. Maybe, one day, she can trust enough to be that person he is so desperate to have in his life.

Right now, all of her energy is going toward not throwing up in her car. She sighs deeply, her fingers rubbing the frown across her forehead. She’s not going to figure it out here, in a parking lot, when it’s beginning to get dark. She starts the car and begins the drive home, knowing that Otis will probably be out late. She’s looking forward to putting her feet up, drinking some tea, and getting started reading the material her doctor gave her about pregnancy in later life. 

God, she feels old. She feels it in her bones. 

_Fuck. I hope I’m doing the right thing…_

*************************************************************

Jean sips her PG Tips tea slowly, occasionally munching on some crisps to settle her flip-flopping stomach. She isn’t sure if its morning sickness rearing its ugly head, or the stress of the last few days, and with her reluctance to do anymore thinking until tomorrow, she chomps down on another crisp, hoping it does the trick no matter which reason it turns out to be. The literature was eye-opening, but she soon abandoned it for a movie. She settles more into the couch, finding a comfortable spot as she watches Buttercup shove Westley down a hill. Jean laughs under her breath. A second later, her phone rings, and she jumps half a foot in fright. She looks toward the phone, and upon seeing Jakob’s name, pauses for a few moments. Taking stock of her emotions, she answers her phone.

“Hello, Jakob.”  
“Hello. It was good to see you today…at the school. I wanted to see if you were okay.”  
“Yes. I’m okay, actually. I was very proud of Otis. I have no idea what happened to change his mind, but I’m glad for it”  
“We talked. Otis and me, I mean. He apologized to me before the play.”  
“Otis? Apologized to you? Are you sure?”  
Jakob laughs. “Yes, Jean. I’m sure. He said he was sorry for making things difficult for you and me. He found it difficult…not being the number one man in your life, and he admitted he handled it wrong.”  
Jean snorts. “Wow.”  
“What?”  
“No no no. I’m just amazed my son said all of that without…any prompting? He came up with all of that on his own? We…uhm…we had a fight. Things haven’t been well, lately. And today, it’s like a 360, Jakob. The change is so sudden, it’s almost frightening. Just like that, he’s apologizing and telling me…”  
“What, Jean? What is he telling you?”  
“Uhm…it’s not important. Nevermind.”  
“No. Tell me. I want to know.”  
“Okay. He told me that he’s cool with us getting back together, and if we do, there will be no more annoying behavior from him.”  
Jakob hums for a moment. “I see. The same thing happened between us. He admitted he’d been an asshole, and I agreed with him. I also told him despite that, he was a good man too. He is, Jean. He’s young and he’s learning, but underneath the snide comments and the drama…he’s a good soul beneath it all. That’s what’s important.”  
“Thank you…for telling me all of that. I needed to hear it tonight.”  
“You’re welcome. You…hmm…”  
“What?”  
“You looked good today. Despite what’s going on, you looked happy…more relaxed than I’ve seen you in a while.”  
“Oh. Well thank you. That’s certainly unexpected. I’ve felt like a …”  
“Like what, Jean?”

_Now. Tell him now. Do it now...but is that fair? Can I really tell him over the phone? No. It needs to be face to face. Jakob would want it that way._

“Just run down lately. Between my clients and working at the school, I’m pulling double duty. I haven’t slept much lately, either. So I’m feeling all together…just tired.”  
“Well, it doesn’t show. You were glowing today. Like an angel.”

She laughs, in that giggly way that she never means to, because she sounds like a little girl, but it happens anyway because Jakob brings it out of her.

_Oh FUCK. I’m already glowing? I find out I’m pregnant and the very same day I’m glowing? Shit._

“You were looking quite handsome yourself. I like your hair pushed back. You changed it.”  
“Yes. I’m thinking of growing it out a little longer. Not like before when we…uhm…first met, but something in between.”  
“Oh? Can I tell you a secret?”  
“You can tell me anything, Jean.”

_God I wish I could tell you this, Jakob. I wish I could just say it._

“I miss your beard. Well, I missed your beard when you shaved it off. I never told you, but I actually really loved it.”  
“You did? I thought it made your skin irritated?”  
“Oh, it did. Believe me, it really did. But…sometimes a girl doesn’t mind that so much.”  
“I see. Are you one of those girls?”  
“I am.”  
“Hmmm. I wish you had told me when we…”  
“I know. I wish…a lot of things had gone different. I wish I had handled things differently. I really do. Maybe if I had communicated my needs and wants more…well. I guess it’s a moot point now. But, I do wish that things were different.”  
He cleared his throat. “Me too, Jean.”  
“Uhm. I’d better go. I don’t want to keep you. Thank you though, for calling and checking up on me. It was very…sweet, and it was really nice to see you today, too.”  
“Yeah, I understand. I’ll talk to you soon, Jean. Get some rest.”  
“You too. Bye, Jakob.”  
“Bye, Jean.”

Jean tosses her phone on the couch and sighs.

_Coward. You should have told him._


	2. A Rose Bud Appears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean reaches her second trimester alone, but her growing desire to have Jakob in her life begins to reach it's breaking point. Co-written with Julia Maxwell. Manips by Lenathomally on Twitter (Thank you thank you Lena! They are amazing!!!).

The next morning, Jean wakes to a most unpleasant feeling in her stomach, and she instantly knows the honeymoon portion of her pregnancy is definitely over. Running to the bathroom, she shoves the toilet lid up, retches into the bowl, and heaves up everything she ate in the last 48 hours. After a spell, she leans against the wall, content to stay there for a while. When she hears Otis milling about, she manages enough energy to clean up the area and run to her bedroom, closing the door and moving her aching body into her bed. 

She wants to stay there forever. She wants to never leave this spot. She feels awful. She feels like shit. She wants Jakob there to comfort her and hold her hair back when she throws up. She doesn’t even have enough hair for him to have to do that, but she wants it anyways. 

Surprisingly, she hears a knock at her door. Patting down her hair and making herself somewhat presentable, she calls to Otis to come in.

“Hey, mom.”  
“Hello, darling. How are you?”  
He smiles shyly. “I’m good. I’m really good. Uhm. I’m going to Eric’s house for the day. Just thought I’d let you know. Okay?”  
“Yes, that’s fine. Are you doing anything special?”  
“No. No. Just hanging out.”  
“Okay. Well, have fun. Say hello to Eric for me.”  
He grabs the door handle on his way out. “Will do.”

Jean sinks into her bed even more. For a few moments, she rests, thinking she might go back to sleep, but it’s not to be. Her stomach rolls once more, and she’s back to running to the bathroom. Sometime later, she practically crawls out of the bathroom back to her bed, and begins making calls. She cancels all her appointments for the day, and promptly goes back to sleep. 

_Fuck this day. Fuck it all. I want a do over._

*******************************************************************************************************

Somehow, she manages to pull herself together in the afternoon to make some meager broth. She wistfully imagines Jakob dropping off his magic soup to her, then pushes her actual soup away, depressed it isn’t Jakob’s. Late afternoon finds her on the sofa watching her favorite Kate Hudson movie. 

Otis wakes her hours later by tapping her leg. She snorts out of a deep sleep to find herself still on the couch, blanket half on her and the floor, and the movie back at the menu.

“What’s going on?”  
“Mom? Are you alright? What are you doing sleeping at 4 pm? Are you feeling well? You look like-“  
Jean glares at her son.  
“Uhm…I mean you look okay, but you also don’t?”  
“I’m fine. Just a little under the weather.”  
Otis plays with the blanket thread. “Would you like me to make you something? Tea?”  
“That would be lovely, Otis. Thank you, darling.”

Jean grabs for his hand and squeezes it in appreciation before he leaves to make her tea. She decides her stomach is feeling much better, and gets up to turn off the movie. In the kitchen, she smiles at Otis before sitting at the table.

“So, what are we dealing with? A cold? The flu? General malaise?”  
Jean smiles. “Smart ass.”  
“Seriously, mom. Are you…contagious?”  
Jean snorts loudly. “Stop it. I’m fine. I’m just a little tired. Maybe a little under the weather. It’s to be expected, really.”  
“It is? Did I miss something?”

_Oh god, I wish I could tell you, Otis. But it’s too early. What if this doesn’t take? What if I lose it in the next few weeks? Oh I can’t even think about that. Our relationship has been so fragile lately, and we finally seem to be headed in the right direction…_

“No. I just mean I’m at that age where peri-menopause happens and normally women going through it-“  
“Mom! Oversharing!”  
Jean chuckles. “Okay. Okay. Sorry.”

She wraps her robe around her tightly when a shiver runs through her. Otis notices and retrieves her blanket from the couch. She smiles again and pats his hand when he wraps it around her. When he checks her temperature, she smacks his hand away.

“Otiiissssss, I’m fine. I know what I have. There’s no need to worry.”

Otis pours her tea into her favorite yellow cup, adds a bit of cream, and brings it to the table. He sips his tea while steadily watching his mother. 

“What?”  
“Mom…I have a question. A relationship question.”  
“Oh? Are you dating someone new?”  
“No. Uhm…I told a girl yesterday…it’s someone I’ve known for a while and I’ve always liked her, and I found out some time ago that she always liked me. My feelings for her have grown quite a lot recently, and I feel very deeply for her, so…I told her that last night. On the phone. I left a message for her, but…”  
“But what, Otis?”  
“She…never responded.”  
“Oh.”  
“Have I lost her?”  
Jean pats his hand. “Perhaps, my love. She might have changed her mind, or the moment might have passed. But, you’ll never really know until you talk to her, will you? Text and phone messages can often be misconstrued. There’s nothing like talking to someone face to face, so you can see the changes that occur during the conversation. If I were you, I would go to her home, repeat your message, and let whatever happens happen, whether she responds in kind, or not.”  
Otis nods. “You’re right. I need to know. I’ll go see her today.”  
“Good. One thing, darling. Remember that every woman has a choice of who she wants to be with, and sometimes, they change their minds, or realize something they didn’t before, so if she doesn’t respond the way you hope she will…be kind. Be understanding. She’s trying to live her life just like you are, okay?”  
Otis puts his hands through his hair. “I haven’t even thought about her not feeling like me, honestly. How should I handle that?”  
Jean sighs. “You won’t know until it happens, really. Each conversation needs to be handled in a certain way. But, I’ve always found you can’t go wrong with having some empathy for the other person, and genuinely caring about their heart and emotions. Unfortunately, you won’t know until you open your heart to the possibility, and that is the scariest thing to do, really. It’s terrifying because that person might say no. That’s truly the hardest thing to hear. But, if it’s not “no” that you hear, and it’s yes, well…it’s the most magical moment of your life, isn’t it? And just the possibility of that yes is momentum enough to take the chance.”  
Otis hums. “Is that what you did? With Jakob? Did you tell him face to face?”  
Jean looks away, her eyes sparkling with unshed tears. “Oh, well. Uhm, yes I did. I went to him and told him how I felt, but it was different. Like I said, every relationship is different as the circumstances are different.”  
“Did you…did you tell Jakob that you loved him?”  
Jean looks startled for a moment. “Uhm…no. We uhh…we never got to that…well…I never got to that part. I mean, now I…uhm.”

Jean wipes at the tears silently falling down her face. She looks away again, wrapping the blanket around her more.

“I told her. I told her I loved her on the message.”  
“I’m sorry that she hasn’t responded to that, darling. Go and talk to her. Maybe it isn’t bad after all. Maybe it is good news.”  
“Yeah, okay. I will.”

Otis cleans out his cup, and before he leaves the kitchen, he turns to Jean and smiles conspiratorially.

“You should call Jakob and ask him to come over tonight.”  
Jean frowns. “Why should I do that?”  
“Because you love him, and he may not know that. Take the leap, Dr. Milburn. Take your own advice.”

He winks before running out the door and jumping on his bike. He’s gone before Jean even processes what he’s said.

***************************************************************************

The problem with realizations is that it takes one a good few weeks to realize the idea, and then weeks to process the insane idea one is about to partake in that could have vast consequences to their life. It isn’t like the movies where one a character has a realization and two minutes later their whole life changes. 

For Jean, she mulled over her son’s advice for two weeks, thinking any number of thoughts. From he’s crazy to he’s a child to he’s on to something; she ran the gamut of emotion. Once she understood that the idea wasn’t totally insane, she then spent weeks mulling over whether he might conceivably take things the wrong way, and how she could avoid him feeling trapped into saying yes because of the baby. 

But, therein lies the rub, for it is on this step that she realized…there was no way to tell him “I love you” and “I’m pregnant” without him feeling something she didn’t want him to feel. Betrayal, distrust, manipulation? Oh it was all there, and when she couldn’t find an idea that worked, she gave up hope, and sunk into a bit of a depression. But, one good thing had happened from that conversation. Otis had gone to the girl he loved, and told her his feelings, and she responded in kind. So, even though it was a bit hammy and repetitive, she loved hearing Otis talk about Maeve. It brought Jean so much joy that Otis found someone who made him happy.

She had found out she conceived in April, and was almost 8 weeks pregnant when she went to her doctor, which meant she was due in January. In the following month, she became better at “hiding” her “little rosebud.” She became religious about not eating late, as it tended to make her morning sickness worse or give her heartburn. She kept saltine crackers in her bedside drawer. She kept a pot under her bed in case Otis was in the bathroom when her morning sickness hit. She began playing music to hide the sound of her throwing up. She began a yoga class with Maureen soon after finding out she was pregnant, which her doctor recommended due to her age and blood pressure. Above all else, she was to keep calm, rational, and de-stress whenever possible. Yoga three times a week helped tremendously, as she kept her body limber and spent time with the only close friend she had. 

Her conversations with Jakob simmer down considerably by her 10th week. She finds it too hard to talk to him and figure out her feelings. At 12 weeks pregnant, with a depression coming on, and not being able to talk to her only other friend, she feels the need to talk with her best girl friend. Maureen promptly comes over once she hears the distress in Jean’s voice. Jean puts it all out on the table, leaving out nothing, and includes her reasoning for not telling Jakob about the baby or how she feels. Maureen takes a few moments to process the situation, grabbing another cup of tea before she reclines on the sofa next to Jean.

“Well. There’s only one thing to do, really.”  
“There is?”  
“You’ve got to tell him.”  
“Maureen, maybe you didn’t hear me correctly.”  
“I heard you just fine. You listen to me. I believe that man loves you with everything he has. He’s a good, kind man. He’s an understanding man. Despite what you’ve done, I think he wants to forgive you, because more than anything, he wants to see you grow and become a better person. He wants you to open your heart and your life to him. That’s what he’s waiting for, don’t you see? ‘You’re not ready for the kind of intimacy I’m looking for?’ Don’t you see it, Jean? He’s not saying you’ll never be ready. He’s saying you aren’t ready NOW. But, he’s leaving the door open for the future. He’s telling you, hands down, what he needs from you. He’s giving you a map to his heart. So take it. Take the knowledge he’s giving you, really look into your heart and decide if you’re ready to go on that adventure with him, and then, if it’s yes, take that map and go on that adventure, Jean. He’s waiting for you.”

It is at this moment that Jean simply loses herself in emotion. Months of confusion and despair pour out of her through tears, and her friend lets her lean on her for support. Maureen bids her goodbye, and Jean promises her she will look into her heart and decide what her next step will be.

*************************************************************************************

Two weeks later, at 14 weeks, Jean decides to go for it. She’s gone over it and over it, and feels deeply that Jakob will forgive her if she’s honest with her feelings. On a Friday night, she decides to call him the next morning and invite him over for lunch. She plans it to perfection. She goes to sleep that night completely at peace.

Life has a way though, to screw up every plan you conceive. For the next morning, Jean is once again running to the bathroom and retching up everything in her body but her appendix.

However, unbeknownst to Jean, Otis has grown concerned about her “ongoing sickness.” He thinks maybe she doesn’t realize he knows, but the music isn’t hiding anything. He’s run through the gamut of sicknesses his mom could have, from bulimia to cancer. 

By chance, on that same fateful Friday, he goes to Ola’s house to talk to her about her mom’s death. He knows she died from cancer, and he asks if Ola can tell him some of the signs she saw. He eventually tells Ola about the weird things he’s noticing pertaining to his mom: the tiredness, the vomiting, the massive amounts of food she consumes, the days she’ll hardly touch any food at all, the foods he’s not allowed to make as they turn her insides funny, the extreme emotional outbursts and crying. Ola is unfortunately no help to him though. She doesn’t really know what it can be, but she tells Otis if his mom has cancer, she’s pretty sure she would tell him. Later, Ola, a bit more worried than she let on, tells Jakob what Otis told her. Jakob doesn’t say much, just nods to himself.

“DAD!”  
“What?”  
“I really think you need to go see Jean. To make sure she’s okay. Will you please do that? For me?”  
Jakob sighs. “She doesn’t want to see me, Ola. We’ve barely spoken in weeks.”  
“Promise me, Dad. I’m worried. It would make me very happy if you would check on Jean. Make sure she doesn’t need anything.”  
“You know we aren’t dating anymore, right?”  
“What I know is a woman you greatly care for is sick right now, and the right thing to do is to visit her and inquire about her health.”  
Jakob nods again. “Okay. I promise. Tomorrow, I will go to Jean’s.”  
Ola hugs him, and he kisses the top of her head. “Thank you.”  
“Yah.”  
“Make her some of your soup before you go.”  
“When did my daughter become so demanding?”  
“I was born with it.”  
Jakob laughs, hugging her tighter.

**************************************************************************************

He makes his famous soup, and the next morning he heads to Jean’s house quite early. He is just pulling up when he sees Otis outside. He parks, grabs the soup, and waves to Otis.

“Hey. What are you doing here?”  
“Ola. She said your mom was sick? I made her some soup.”  
Otis looks down at the Tupperware. “That’s…really cool actually. Thank you, Jakob.”  
Jakob tries to hand him the soup. “Why don’t you just take it and give it to her.”  
Otis pulls his hands away. “Actually, I’m just leaving. Maeve and I are hanging out today. The door is unlocked. I heard Mom moving about as I was leaving. Why don’t you go in, heat that up, and…”  
Jakob points his finger at him. “You and my daughter…if I didn’t know better, I’d say you are conspirators.”  
Otis walks away with his bike. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Jakob smiles a little, and makes his way to Jean’s front door. Finding it unlocked, he walks in to the kitchen and opens the cupboard expecting to find Jean’s pans. When he finds none, he smirks and walks over to the pantry, finding her pots on the pan shelf he made. 

“Look at that. They all fit.”

A noise from the hallway has him turning and walking toward the bathroom. He hears what can only be someone losing their breakfast, and with concern blinding him, he opens the bathroom door to find Jean, on the ground, holding the porcelain seat for life, wearing his favorite v-neck shirt and nothing else. He smells the unmistakable aroma of vomit, and immediately grabs a washcloth while turning on the faucet. 

Jean, having thrown up everything, and then five minutes later threw up everything again, has barely any energy to see what’s going on. She knows someone is in the room with her, but couldn’t care less who it is at this actual moment.

Jakob leans down to kneel behind her, laying the cold wash cloth on her neck first for a few moments, then moving it to her forehead, and finally wiping it across her face to clean her. He says nothing and keeps his mind on the task at hand.

Jean takes the washcloth off her face, lets it fall to the ground as she peers up at him. He’s up against the wall, and she’s leaning into him, her back to his chest. He’s got his arms around her stomach, loosely holding her. She blinks a few times, as if to make sure he’s really there. She sees the moment clarity hits him in the gut. He’s feeling the unmistakable slight swell under his shirt. His eyes search her face, asking for an explanation. She feels a great need to look away, but Maureen’s words come back to her, and for the first time in a long time, Jean Milburn takes a chance.

“I’m pregnant.”  
Jakob nods. “I can see that. Well…we have a lot to talk about. Come. I made soup.”

He moves her away from him slightly to rise up, and then extends his hands to help her. She keeps her hold on his hand as they walk to the kitchen.

_He made me soup? How did he know? You know what. I don’t even care. He’s here. He knows I’m pregnant and he’s not yelling or running away. He saw me puke and he didn’t even flinch. Jakob Nyman, you may just be the man of my dreams._


	3. Roses Bloom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean and Jakob have The Talk. Co-written with Julia Maxwell. Manips by Lenathomally on Twitter (Thank you thank you Lena! They are amazing!!!).

Nothing is said immediately between them. He quietly begins heating up the soup on her stove while she makes some tea. She excuses herself to brush her teeth and put on some leggings. Jakob is just putting the soup and tea on the table when she makes it back. They sit, slurping the soup and sipping the tea. Jean eats her saltine crackers as well, hoping it will settle her stomach.  
Jakob finishes first, pushes his bowl away, and leans back in his chair. He eyes her thoughtfully, waiting until she’s done eating before he asks for answers. While waiting, he cleans out his bowl, gets another cup of tea for both of them, and settles back in his chair. When Jean is finished, she too pushes her bowl away, wipes at her mouth, takes a sip of tea, and begins toying with Jakob’s shirt.

“So, let us begin.”  
She takes a deep breath. “I’m not sure where to begin…”  
“At the beginning would be good.”  
She laughs. “Yes, I suppose it would.”

She tells him how she found out, when she found out, how far along, and who knew so far. Jakob nods his head from time to time.

“So, it’s mine or…?”  
Jean frowns. “Why would you even ask me that? Of course it’s your baby. I’ve…”  
Jakob grimaces as realization comes to her. “Jean, I have to ask. You slept with another man after we slept together. You kissed your ex-husband while we were dating. I have no idea if you’ve been with anyone since we broke up. Would you rather I presume than ask?”  
Jean sulks. “No, you’re right. Remi was in the States when I conceived, and I wasn’t with anyone else while we were together.”  
Jakob nods. “Okay.”  
“And I haven’t been with anyone since we broke up either.”  
He smiles a little. “Good. Good.”  
“Have you?”  
“Have I what?”  
“Been with…anyone?”  
Jakob snorts. “No, Jean. There is no one else…”

_You were going to say something at the end, weren’t you? There is no one else…for me? I hope that’s what you were going to say_

“Good. That’s good, uhm, too.”  
He nods again.  
“Have you decided to keep it or?”  
Jean nods. “Yes. I thought about it for a few weeks and realized I couldn’t…I mean what if…I thought it might be…GOD why is this so hard?”

She rises from her chair, walking around the kitchen thrusting her hands here and there in frustration. A lone tear escapes, but she angrily wipes it away with the back of her hand.

“It’s like I have these words, and I can hear them clearly in my mind, exactly how I want to tell you things, but I can’t get anything out. It’s maddening!”

Jakob walks to her and leans against the counter, near enough to have an intimate conversation, but also allowing her to still walk around should she want to.

“Jean, whatever it is, you can tell me. I won’t judge you.”  
She nods, wrapping her arms around her stomach. “I decided to keep the baby for two reasons. One, because I felt you already had lost so much, and I didn’t want to take this away from you. The other reason was personal to me…for my growth.”  
“I don’t understand?”  
“Well…you said I wasn’t ready for the kind of intimacy you needed, and I realized…you were right. I wasn’t. I thought I wanted my freedom and independence. I thought you were smothering me and forcing me to be an “us” instead of a “me.” The truth is, I couldn’t have been more wrong. I was deeply afraid of committing to you. I was afraid of getting into another relationship, because in the back of my mind, what Remi did to me is there every moment of every day. Those negative thoughts still live inside me, and they take over sometimes, and I end up feeling bad about myself or my life, and when that happens…I would look at you and think…why would you ever want me? Why would you ever want to commit to me? I’m so not deserving of that kind of…”  
“Love?”  
Jean nods her head, tears shining in her eyes. “Yes. I sometimes didn’t feel deserving of love. So I would push you away. I drove you away to avoid what I saw as the inevitable ending: you hurting me like Remi did, by cheating or manipulation. So…I hurt you first.”  
“I see.”  
“But I know that now. I know the real reason I did it all, and I want to be better. I want to do better. When this situation presented itself, I thought about what I would have done two years ago, if I had become pregnant then, and I realized that what I would have done and what I want to do now is completely different, because of you.”  
“How do you mean?”  
“Jakob, don’t you see? Despite how our relationship ended, you brightened my life. You made me want to be happy again. You made me want to TRY again. You opened me up to the possibility of love again, and that had been missing from my life for so long. But, more than that, you made me think about my commitment issues. Our break-up has forced me to confront my fears, and I’m learning to fight through them now. I want more intimacy in my life. I’m craving it even though I’m still fearful of it. That craving has made me desperately want an intimate relationship with this baby…with our baby. I hoped, by having this baby and being a mommy again…that I would create the kind of intimate relationship that I needed in my life, a stepping stone of sorts to make my way to…”  
“The kind of intimate relationship I want?”  
She smiles gratefully. “Yes. It’s going to take time, but, if you’re willing to work with me, I would really like to create the type of intimacy you are looking for in your life.”  
Jakob nods, rubbing his fingers over his lips. “You thought about this a lot, haven’t you?”  
She fidgets with his shirt again. “I’ve thought about nothing else. Well, except how sorry I am for what I did to you. I’m so sorry, Jakob. You deserved the truth, and I was too much of a coward to confront you about it, so I hurt you instead.”  
“You know what I think?”  
Jean shakes her head.  
“I think you made a mistake and you regret it. What matters is how you respond to that mistake. You are responding by improving yourself, and I think that’s great, Jean. I’m very proud of you, and I forgive you.”  
She lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. “Thank you. That means a lot.”  
“I did, you know?”  
“What?”  
“Love you. I didn’t say it. Neither of us did, but I felt it.”  
She turns to lean on the stove, the breath leaving her body.

_Do not have a panic attack right now_

“Still do, actually. Love you, I mean. You’re a hard woman not to love, Jean Milburn. I tried to stop loving you, but it’s easier said than…oof!”

She’s slammed herself against him in a hug tighter than any he can remember. She claws at his back as she tries to hold him closer. He hears a muffled “I don’t deserve you” against his neck. He breathes in her scent in his favorite spot, right below her ear.

“Yes you do, just like I deserve you. We deserve to be happy, Jean. We’ve both lost in the past. Why not try making each other happy?”  
He pulls away to look in her eyes. “I’m willing to try if you are.”  
She wipes at her eyes. “Me too.”

They hug once again, breathing each other in, content to exist in this one spot in time. He can feel her begin to relax, and before she completely falls asleep on him, he guides her to the couch and covers her with a blanket. She pulls him down to her, and he obliges, becoming the bigger spoon to her little spoon. She grabs the hand on her hip and brings it to her lower stomach, placing her hand over his. Within minutes, she is breathing evenly.

She hasn’t said she loves him yet, but he feels she’s right on the precipice. Jakob is okay with that. He’s a patient man, and for Jean, he’ll wait for her to be comfortable with an intimate relationship; the kind he’s dreamt of having with her since the day he met her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a short one, but sweet, I think. Julia and I would love to thank all of you fans out there who have left kudos and comments! We are so happy you are enjoying our fic!


	4. A Bouquet of Flowers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is late! But it's 3000 words of utter sappiness and happiness and rage so...yeah...Enjoy!
> 
> As always, big thanks to my co-writer Julia Maxwell, and also to @Lenathomally, who created our awesome manips!!!

Chapter Four: A bouquet of flowers

Hours later, Jean and Jakob make a light dinner. Jean, feeling somewhat human again, decides to change into her green pantsuit with her cream coat. Its summer, so the coat is a bit much, but while she can hide her little pooch in loose clothing, she can’t do the same in her pantsuit, which is bordering on quite tight at this point. She mentally makes a note to go shopping for pregnancy clothes. 

They inform Ola and Otis to come over for a “discussion.” Jean wants to wait a while more, confiding in Jakob that part of the reason she didn’t tell anyone is the possibility she could lose the baby before her 12th week. She changes her mind when Jakob tells her Otis is suspicious of her “sickness,” and at 14 weeks, she is past the stage of her first trimester. When he concludes with they ‘shouldn’t wait too much longer or the kids may grow to resent them for keeping it a secret that long,’ Jean reluctantly agrees with him. She wonders how to tell Otis the news in a way that he won’t lose his shit. After a while, she realizes there is nothing she can say that will make this easier, and her anxiety rises. By the time Ola and Otis arrive, she’s only hoping to escape the talk with minimal yelling, a few slammed doors, and the silent treatment for a few weeks. 

Jean and Jakob set the table and bring the food over as the kids take their seats. When everyone is settled and has food on their plate, Jean clears her throat.

“Jakob has informed me that you two were a little worried about my…condition?”

Otis narrows his eyes at Jakob. Jean takes a deep breath. She can already see the absolute shit fest this will become. She clears her throat again.

“It’s not worried, per say. Otis came to me because he thought it could be something serious. I told him you would tell him immediately if it was, so I concluded that whatever was going on wasn’t…uh…like life or death?”

Jean smiles gratefully at Ola, who is the obvious peacekeeper in their little makeshift family. Jean pats her hand.

“Thank you, Ola. You are correct. I would tell Otis if I had a life-threatening condition.”  
Ola smiles at Otis. “See? I told you.”  
Otis sits back in his seat and crosses his arms. “Okay…but something is wrong with you…right?”  
Jean grimaces. “No. I have a condition, but nothing is ‘wrong’ with me, per say. What I have is not bad news, Otis. It’s actually…good news. At least I hope you two will think it is, because I’m pretty happy about it, and I think Jakob is too?”

They exchange a glance. He nods his head and reaches out to hold her hand on the table. Otis huffs.

“You aren’t making any sense.”  
“Oh my god…”

Otis looks to Ola, confusion written on his face.

“What?”  
“Oh my god! Really?”  
“What?”

Jean smiles at Ola, nodding her head while she grips Jakob’s hand harder. Ola, eyes wide, covers her mouth as she masks a gasp.

“Will someone tell me what the hell is going on?”

Jean’s smile vanishes as Otis’ voice grows louder. Ola smacks Otis on the arm.

“Otis, quit being daft! Jean is pregnant.”

Otis looks perplexed at first, looking from Ola to Jean, back to Ola, and then back to Jean.

“I’m sorry…what?”

“I’m pregnant, Otis. 14 weeks. It’s Jakob’s baby. We are keeping it, and come January, you will have a little brother or sister.”

Jakob smiles inwardly. He gets a little tingle when Jean says ‘we’ instead of ‘I.’ He looks lovingly toward her, brings her hand to his lips, and kisses her palm. Jean returns his smile, her other hand reflexively gravitating toward her lower stomach.

“You’ve got to be kidding me? This is a joke, right?”  
Jean huffs a bit, preparing for a battle. “No, Otis. This is not a joke. I’m pregnant. I’ve been to my doctor. I’ve got my prenatal vitamins. I’m very sure you’ve heard me vomiting practically every day. Why would I lie about this?”

“Because the truth is ludicrous!”

Otis rises, pacing the kitchen area. “First, you two aren’t married. You don’t live together. You aren’t even together as a couple? So, what? Are you going to be a single mother again? Ship the little baby off to Jakob every other week? Two, you’ve barely been able to stay in a committed relationship, and now you think you can handle motherhood all over again? Something that you have to be committed too for, oh I don’t know…FOREVER? Three-“  
“ENOUGH!”

Jean raises slowly, her grip on Jakob’s hand cutting off his circulation. Her lips, downturned in disappointment, snarl slightly.

“How…dare…you. How dare you speak to me this way? Who gave you the right to judge MY life? You are in control of your life, Otis, and ONLY your life. My life and my body are under MY control, and if I want to have another baby, then that is MY right. Whether you think I’ll be a fit parent or not, whether Jakob and I are together or not, doesn’t matter. What matters is what I want, and what Jakob wants, and WE want to have this baby. So that is what WE are doing, and that is the end of that. It seems YOU, Otis, have a choice. You can either accept this new development, like an ADULT, or you can complain about it, like a child. The decision is up to you, young man.”

Otis, too stunned to reply, simply stares with his mouth open. Ola looks to Jakob for advice on how to respond. He shakes his head lightly at her. She rightfully keeps quiet and leans back in her chair.

“But before you make that decision, Otis, I want to tell you something. Not so long ago, you said that you would be okay with Jakob and I dating again. You said there would be no more annoying behavior from you, and you admitted to Jakob that you behaved like an asshole. I saw real growth from you that day, Otis. Do you remember? What you don’t know is a few hours before, I found out I was pregnant. That exact same day. Watching you stand up for me, support me, and admit the truth made me so unbelievably happy, because it’s been only me all these years, Otis. ME. Not your father. I’ve been here day after day watching you grow and supporting you and loving you, and for the first time, I really felt like I had done a fantastic job as a mother. I felt like, even though I did it on my own, you and I, we made it through all right. So, I want you to think long and hard about what you are going to say next, because some things you say in the heat of the moment can’t be taken back. Some things cut you like a knife, and they never heal, Otis. Never.”

Jean holds her ground, watching Otis as he processes her request.

“May I please be excused?”  
Jean sighs. “Yes, you may.”

Otis leaves the room, not looking at anyone. A few moments later, a door slams. Jean slowly sinks to the chair, tears beginning to form. Her shoulders hunch and she looks dejectedly at her lap.

Ola fidgets her hands for a moment before rising to walk around the table. She leans next to Jean’s chair.

“Jean?”  
Jean wipes her eyes and nose. “Yes, Ola?”  
“I’m glad you’re not seriously sick.”  
Jean gives her a watery smile. “Me too.”  
Ola laughs. “Not that this means much, but I’m fine with it. Honestly, I’ll be going to NYU soon, so I won’t be here for a lot of it.”  
Jean pats her hand. “Thank you, Ola. That does mean a lot to us.”

They hug briefly before Ola hugs Jakob. She says her goodbyes before leaving to go to Lily’s house. Jakob leans toward Jean to give her a hug. They stay that way for a few moments before he whispers in her ear.

“You didn’t eat anything yet.”  
“I’m not hungry at the moment.”  
“Jean…you’re eating for two. Even if YOU aren’t hungry, the baby might be. Please. For me. Try to eat a little?”  
Jean sighs. “You’re right. Okay.”  
Jakob smiles. “Good. I’ll do the dishes while you finish up.”

He pats her shoulder, gathers up the dishes, and proceeds to fill the washer as she eats her meal. A few minutes later, he turns to say something when he notices all the food on her plate is gone. She looks up at him sheepishly.

“I guess I was hungry?”  
Jakob laughs. “Why don’t you go relax on the sofa while I finish this up?”

She smiles gratefully at him and a few minutes later, is lounging on the couch with her feet up. Jakob joins her once he’s done in the kitchen. He holds her in his arms as some historical drama unfolds on the television. Honestly, he has no idea what movie it is. He’s simply content to hold her quietly for a while.

They hear rummaging from Otis’ room, but eventually he goes quiet, and Jean figures he’s gone to sleep. She looks up at Jakob with a questioning gaze.

“Was I too hard on him?”  
Jakob sighs. “Jean, you’ve been the disciplinarian his whole life. Only you can know if you were too hard on him. From where I stood, I think you went easy, but also…”  
Jean sits up more. “What? Tell me.”  
“Well, you chastised him in front of a former girlfriend and the man who he thinks is trying to take over his father’s position. He’s a young man trying to be an adult, and saying all of that in front of other people…I just mean it might have been slightly…”  
“Emasculating?”  
“A bit. However, I think in a way, he deserved it? Maybe it was the kick in the pants he needed to see that his over reactions are getting tiresome. At some point, he needs to grow out of this stage of wanting to be the center of attention. Ola took it very well. She kept calm and rational, and she realizes that she’ll be so busy with university applications and testing that this won’t affect her too much. That’s the reaction, I think, that we want to steer Otis toward. At some point, you’ve got to cut the cord, Jean. He’s got to go out into the big bad world on his own and take care of himself, and he’s got to be able to react kindly and keep his emotions in check. It might be a good idea to…”

Jakob rubs his neck and looks away.

“What? You can say it.”  
Jacob lets out a long breath. “It might be time to put Otis in therapy. My girls both went for a year after their mom died. Ola says it helped her deal with emotions and process anger. I think it could be good for Otis, Jean.”  
Jean wrings her hands together. “I always hoped he wouldn’t need to go down that avenue. Maybe because that meant I had done a good enough job as his mom.”  
“Jean, you could be the best mother in the world, and your child could still need therapy. No parent is perfect, and we will make mistakes, so don’t look at this as a reflection of how good a mother you are or are not. It has nothing to do with that. This is about teaching Otis to process his emotions in a kind and positive way so he doesn’t hurt others and he doesn’t hurt himself by pushing people away.”  
Jean sighs. “You’re right. I’ll…talk to him about it when he’s…in a better mood.”

Jakob squeezes her closer and smiles. His attention goes back to the movie. Jean, however, can’t concentrate. She moves out of Jakob’s embrace.

“He did have one point, though.”  
“Oh?”  
“Yes. Our relationship…and where it’s going.”  
Jakob hums. “Ah yes. I see. Well, where do you see it going?”  
Jean laughs. “Oh no. Don’t put it all on me. You’re the one…”  
“Confessing my undying love for you?”  
She snorts. “Be serious. What are we doing? What are we to each other? Where is this going? I need to know now. I’ve got to somehow wrap my mind around it. I know I used to not need those labels, but now I do need them. Because once I figure out what we are, then I can move on to other things that I need to define in my life.”  
“Okay. What are we doing? We are ‘hanging out,’ as my kids would say. What are we to each other? We are girlfriend and boyfriend. Where is this going? It’s going forward, at whatever pace you are comfortable with. Whether we take this slow or fast, is up to you.”  
“But what does all that mean in the context of having this baby and our future?”  
“I don’t understand?”  
“Well, is that leading to dating and co-parenting, or moving in and getting married? We are moving forward, but which road are we taking?”  
Jakob chuckles as he runs a hand through his hair. “You know how I feel about you: I love you. I’m in love with you. You know what I want: A deeply intimate relationship with you. Whether that means we are dating or living together or married…That’s extraneous to me. That’s not what really matters to me. Having a deeply intimate relationship with you is what is vital to me. It’s what I need in this relationship, Jean. The real question is…what do you need?”  
She bites her lip. “I…”  
Jakob sighs. “It’s getting late. Think about it and we'll talk again. I better let you get some sleep. Good night.”

He kisses her on the forehead and rises to walk toward her front door.

_No. No. No. Come back! I can say it. I swear I can! I can scream it if I need to. Just give me a moment to fully realize it._

The urge to run hits her, and faster than she’s moved in weeks, she runs to meet him at the front door just as he’s opened it. She stops his forward motion with a hand to her door, slamming it shut. She moves, squeezing herself against him as she leans against the frame.

“You didn’t let me finish.”  
“Oh? I see. By all means, please finish.”

His cheeky smile aggravates her in the best way. She smooths down his shirt with both hands, fingers grazing to rest against his chest.

“I need someone who will stand by me no matter what, through the bad and good, through stress and happiness, through 3 a.m. feedings and nappy changes. I need respect, loyalty, trust, and communication. I need to be with someone who’s willing to grow and learn with me. I need someone who will understand my fears and let me be vulnerable and cry and be a mess if I need to be. I need someone who will be okay if I am just…me. I need someone who thinks ‘me’ is good enough.”

Jakob pushes her hair behind her ears, gradually holding her face in his hands.

“And if you found this person? And if they felt the same way about you?”

She smiles, her arms rising to wrap around his shoulders.

“Then I would hold on to them so tight, and never let them go.”  
“And if this person wanted to be with you and spend his life making you deliriously happy while driving you crazy? What would you say then?”

She sways a bit in his arms, her smile wide.

“I would say you should start moving in to my place slowly over the next few weeks.”

He nods, his hands lowering to her ass to pick her up. She squeals and he’s never heard anything quite as beautiful.

“Let’s wait until Otis comes around. Then Ola and I will make plans to slowly move to your home.”  
“It sounds like a good start.”

She leans down to place a chaste kiss on his lips. She didn’t plan on it going deeper, but it is their first real kiss since finding their way back to each other, and she’s missed his kisses so much that she finds herself sinking into his arms even more. He abruptly ends the kiss and places her back on her feet, his hands finding her waist to steady them.

“As much as I want to delve even further into that kiss, I must go. A few minutes more and I would be ravishing you against your front door.”

_Honestly, I’d be okay with that right now._

She feels the beginning of an erection against her stomach, and she leans in for a hug, a secret smile lighting up her face. He wraps his arms around her, and she relishes feeling so small in his embrace. Soon, she won’t be able to hug him like this. Soon, their child will make intimate moments like this nearly impossible.

“I understand. Tomorrow is Sunday. Do you have any plans?”  
“Spending time with you.”  
She squeezes him harder. “Good answer.”  
“Is there anything you need to do?”  
“I think it’s time to go shopping for maternity clothes, but other than that, I can’t think of anything I need to do.”  
“Okay. Maternity shopping and relaxing at home. I’ll see you in the morning.”

She places a small peck on his lips. “Okay. See you tomorrow.”

He gives her that dazzling smile, cups her cheek lovingly, and nods his head. She opens the door to let him out, and leans on the frame to watch him get into his car. He waves to her as he drives off into the night.

_I do love you, Jakob, and very soon, I’m going to find the perfect way to tell you._


End file.
